Just Me, Myself and I

So, here I sit. Me, Myself and a GIANT glass of wine... that came from a box...but that is neither here nor there...


So it's been one month since I have seen FF. And as much as I hate to admit it, I kinda miss him. Almost had me thinking that maybe miserable with someone is better than happy alone. But then I realized that's just crazy talk! (well that, and a pep talk from my friend, Tiffany--she might just beat some self esteem into me yet...) I keeo listening to "A little but stronger" by Sarah Evans. She claims that one day I'll turn around, and I'll realize that I haven't cried. That I'm getting stronger. But all I did at one month, was hide in the bathroom at work and cry. Pathetic huh?

I did relapse... I called him last week, at 1am... like a drunken fool. He didn't answer and I woke his parents. he called me the next day and I blamed it on my Iphone. "Damn touchscreen" was my exact defense. He wasn't mad and we talked for about 3 whole minutes. Then I had a missed call at 3:30am from a hotel in Boston. After some detective work, I figured out it was him. I emailed him to find out why he called...and I have not received a response. I guess it really is over this time.

I guess what really hurts...is that he HASN'T EVEN TRIED to call me. To apologize. To fix this! I guess I'm just filled with more self doubt than ever because I must not be worth the effort. I try to imagine that it will get better, put on that happy, sunshiny face for people, for MYSELF. But deep down, you know it's all bullshit. And so do I.  I mean, if I'm not even worth it to someone who could give a rats ass about me, then how am I going to be worth it to someone who will actually care?

I used to LOVE my alone time. Curled up on the couch in a comfy blanket, watching what I want and vegging out.  Now that I have done that for a month... I kinda miss that fight over the remote, the deciding whats for dinner together, the cuddling. Will I ever have that again? That comfort of just "being" with someone? Seems like such an effort at this point. To try and know someone like I knew him.

Don't fret, my readers.. all 16 of you (yay!) I'm not going back to him. And I'm going to work on me and my non-existing self esteem! I promise. I'm going to blame this momentary lapse in heartache on PMS and boxed wine. I do miss him though. I can not tell a lie. But I'm just going to keep playing that goofy country song over and over until I believe it. Wish me luck.