And the hits just keep on coming...

Seriously? I thought this breakup could not get worse. Boy was I wrong. Let me tell ya a little story I call "Trailer Park Hook-up"

So I still have the password to FF's email because he is on my AOL account. He told me a long time ago that he doesn't read it and that I can go in whenever and delete them all.  So as I was checking mine last night, I noticed that he had like 300 emails. So I decide to delete them and what so I spy with my crazy stalker eye???  A notification from facebook that he got an email from someone named "TRAILER TRASH" (names have been changed to protect the fugly) So I open it...and it says a little something like this..."You left a mark on my neck! My daughter came over last night and saw it and asked how old I was. Im gunna kill you! LOL" (with WAY MORE spelling and punctuation errors.) ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

So IMMEDIATELY I log on and check this chick out... but she is super private. So my friend steps up to the plate and FRIENDS her! And after a few bogus lies...she accepts her. And OH MY! This lady...and I am using that term LIGHTLY... is 44! And... ready... wait for it... is MISSING HER FRONT TOOTH!!! 

I know it was probably a late night drunken hook-up----for his sake.. Im crossing my fingers and toes that is all it was! But I started crying my eyes out after I read it. I know that it is over, but I guess this was just a shock. I thought if I wasn't willing to put up with his shit.. no one would. I don't want him back.. but I was hoping no one else did either.

I may have had a few smooches in the past couple of weeks... but I'm sure as shit not leaving hickie's on wrinkled Trailer trash necks AND getting emails about it!  I sent him a nasty email. I no longer care what I say to him. he obviously has no idea how much he has hurt me and he obviously does not care. But I am worried about him. Is he never going to grow up? Is this Trailer set his new group of friends??? 

I am going out today for a few drinks for the Superbowl and I know myself....after a few drinks I am going to want to go to where I know he is and confront him. But WE ARE BROKEN UP. And I need to let that sink in. I hope I will listen to my friends when they tell me that is a BAD IDEA to see him. But maybe I just want to go and give him a new toothbrush for his lady...since I'm guessing she needs it....

Just Me, Myself and I

So, here I sit. Me, Myself and a GIANT glass of wine... that came from a box...but that is neither here nor there...


So it's been one month since I have seen FF. And as much as I hate to admit it, I kinda miss him. Almost had me thinking that maybe miserable with someone is better than happy alone. But then I realized that's just crazy talk! (well that, and a pep talk from my friend, Tiffany--she might just beat some self esteem into me yet...) I keeo listening to "A little but stronger" by Sarah Evans. She claims that one day I'll turn around, and I'll realize that I haven't cried. That I'm getting stronger. But all I did at one month, was hide in the bathroom at work and cry. Pathetic huh?

I did relapse... I called him last week, at 1am... like a drunken fool. He didn't answer and I woke his parents. he called me the next day and I blamed it on my Iphone. "Damn touchscreen" was my exact defense. He wasn't mad and we talked for about 3 whole minutes. Then I had a missed call at 3:30am from a hotel in Boston. After some detective work, I figured out it was him. I emailed him to find out why he called...and I have not received a response. I guess it really is over this time.

I guess what really hurts...is that he HASN'T EVEN TRIED to call me. To apologize. To fix this! I guess I'm just filled with more self doubt than ever because I must not be worth the effort. I try to imagine that it will get better, put on that happy, sunshiny face for people, for MYSELF. But deep down, you know it's all bullshit. And so do I.  I mean, if I'm not even worth it to someone who could give a rats ass about me, then how am I going to be worth it to someone who will actually care?

I used to LOVE my alone time. Curled up on the couch in a comfy blanket, watching what I want and vegging out.  Now that I have done that for a month... I kinda miss that fight over the remote, the deciding whats for dinner together, the cuddling. Will I ever have that again? That comfort of just "being" with someone? Seems like such an effort at this point. To try and know someone like I knew him.

Don't fret, my readers.. all 16 of you (yay!) I'm not going back to him. And I'm going to work on me and my non-existing self esteem! I promise. I'm going to blame this momentary lapse in heartache on PMS and boxed wine. I do miss him though. I can not tell a lie. But I'm just going to keep playing that goofy country song over and over until I believe it. Wish me luck.

Here Fishie, Fishie...

So here it is... week 3. And I would have to say... it hasn't been too shabby!  Went to Fat Class... and I'm down another 3.6 lbs! Whoo Hoo! At least I feel like all my hard work is paying off. Let's hope I can keep it up!

I've gone out a few times in the past two weeks and have had so much fun.  It was nice to go out and only have to worry about ME. Not if FF was going to get super stumbly drunk and I was going to have to compomise my night to take care of him. I threw it back OLD SCHOOL (wink wink) and had a great time. Even have a little flirtation going on with someone...and it is so nice to have someone do something nice for you and not expect anything in return. Simple things like remembering how you take your coffee...

People have noticed that I'm happier. Smiling more. Enjoying my life. It's amazing that once you let go of thatr negative force in your life, the good just seems to find you.  I'm not going to lie, however. It IS a struggle everyday not to think about him.  It's so strange that when you break up with someone, a few weeks after... you seem to only remember that GOOD things. All the bad shit seems like a distant memory.  I saw him yesterday...and had to try and forget about it 2 seconds after it happened. I thought I might even get a late night phone call. But I got nothing. Guess it really is over this time. And I guess I'm finally ok with it.

So I guess the old saying is right... there are other fish in the sea. And I'm thinking that I just need to keep on diving in. He HAS to be out there, right? Or maybe just even down the hall....

Week One of Fat Class Complete

So, I did something I thought I would never do again... I joined Weight Watchers. I tried it once before with my friend "D" but lasted one session. The name "Fat Class" stuck though.  I don't know if it was me growing up and being in a different mind frame or Jennifer Hudson and her catchy jingle that made me give it a 2nd chance.  Either way, here I am.

I'm probably not the BEST student... I don't track my meals as I should but come on! I don't need my IPhone judging me because I ate a slice of pizza! I'll keep that gem for myself! But I do occasionaly and when I do, I feel better. I guess thats the point right? Notice how much shit you actually shove in your mouth and make the appropriate changes. And guess what---Fat Class worked. I lost 1.4 pounds!  Not a huge amount but enough to keep me on track. Hopefully next week, I'll have a bigger number...fingers crossed! (That burns calories, right?--haha)

As for FuckFace.. it has been 1 whole week since I spoke to him and almost 2 since I have seen him. That's a pretty long time if you know us. Last time we spoke, he told me he no longer "cares about me and is moving on." And I answered right back with a "Go ahead." That last conversation made me realize that he NEVER cared about me. And I cried. I cried for about 15 minutes straight--in my car--during my lunch--like a mental case.  But I needed that cry. I needed to let it all out and realize that it's actually over this time. We have emailed a few times since then... I open up to him and he responds with "Well what have you done for ME?"  Is this kid for real?  He has GOT TO BE JOKING.

I feel like I am changing. Im growing up. Wow that sounds SUPER cheesy! But it's true. As the Millioniare Matchmaker says... Find 5 things you want in a man and if he doesn't meet them... then say goodbe. Maybe FF met my 24 year old girl criteria, but not as a 34 year old woman. I love him, I do! but I have to let him go. It's going to take awhile, but I know I can do it. My heart may be broken...but it has been pleanty time before. I will bounce back... I always do.  If I can give Fat Class a 2nd chance... I can do that for love too.

Well Hello there 1994!

Tonight, my past seemed to slap me in the face. From the music to the clothes. It was a giant flashback.

It started on my way home from work. As I was singing along to "Musta Got Lost" by the J. Giels Band.. I had a flashback to 1994...

Picture it.. Roslindale...1994....me and a few of my friends... known back then as the "CHP"--Cherry Hill Posse--driving around in my moms white Chevy Baretta. I had just had my heart broken by a boy named Sean (I should have learned my lesson then!) and "Musta Got Lost" comes on the radio. I had never heard it before as my taste in music back then was less than stellar.  As tears stream down my face, my friend Rob belts out this song in my face. Making me smile and laugh and think.."Hell yeah I musta been lost to like this clown!" Hearing that today had me thinking... I got over that and I will get over this.

In a different form of a flashback.. I had one tonight at bowling. (yes I bowl. Mock if you must) I was thinking back to the way we used to dress!  It's a wonder I got scooped on at all!  Big bangs, TONS OF HAIRSPRAY, pegged pants, Izod sweaters (just for you Joanne!) and turtle necks.. folded down so my chain could swing! Let us not forget the braces, Adidas aqua jackets and Gazelles. Oh my.

But my love life was simpler then. All I had to worry about was keg cup money, what time the bus came, if my mother would know I was drunk or not (she ALWAYS knew by the way) and if anyone would ask me on a "walk." And one night...my friends hooked me up with my first "Sean." We went for our "walk" and fell in love. Well, at least I did. And that's when the hopeless romantic in me was born.  What if he is THE ONE?  Does he like me back? Will he be my boyfriend?  I wanted all of those things and all right away. But those things never happened and I was devestated. Why didn't he like me? What's wrong with me?

If I only knew then what I know now! I would have realized that it was just a hookup. Not true love. And that he was a fucking fool for being a dick to me and I should have kicked him in the nuts when I had the chance. However, I didn't and I can't say for certain that I do now.. but I do know that if I got over that heartbreak and don't think about him (unless I see him... :) ) then this too shall pass.

Maybe FuckFace is not the one for me. Maybe he is. All I know is that NOBODY should be made to feel like they are not good enough. That they are not worthy of someone. And if he wants me back.. things are going to have to change! I might have "been lost" before, but you better believe, I have found my way.

Here's a GIANT middle finger to you, City plows!

So here I sit.. Day 3 of this diet/life change of sorts.  With sore legs and an achy back from 3+ hours of shoveling. How is it when I was young I used to LOVE this stuff? Now it's just a giant pain in my ass. Like Medic Van boy next door.


For the past 2 years, me and Liz have dealt with this assclown and his idea of "parking."  Is it hard to pull ALL the way up to the curb? Or maybe even NEXT to it? Is it too much to ask for you to pull up to the next car so the rest of us can park in front of our OWN damn houses? Are you lazy? or just an asshole? Why did your mother, Trash Barrel Lady, hold a parking spot for a week with just a trash barrel and no car? So many questions...

I saw Medic Van boy today. He ran up to his car and his house. Glanced at his spot and then went right along with his day. Finally, a few hours later,  he decided to shovel! I could hardly believe my eyes! And boy did he shovel! For a whole 20 minutes! Made a tiny dent, moved his van back and then called it a day. WTF?

So now it's 5:30 and I decide to go back out to clear out the stuff the plow left behind. 45 minutes later I was done! It was beautiful, my spot. I could see the street! No slush! Nothing on my car! I was so proud! And then...I heard it.. the roar! I saw it... the yellow lights! Noooo!!  Not another plow!!  And it was... 2 of them. City plows. They drove down the street , ignoring my yells to turn their blades toward the other side! But they just kept on going. As I raised a middle finger to them... they just kept on going. So I had no choice but to do the same. I shoveled again...and then heard it. ANOTHER FUCKING PLOW. But this guy was flying! Speeding down the street! So being the true city girl I am... I jumped out in front of my spot and yelled to pick up the plow! Go the other way!  And you know what.. HE DID!  Score one for me!

Now I'm really on a roll so I go and help Liz shovel out her spot (thanks again city plows!) and we have a moment of insanity... we start to shovel out Medic Van!!  We cleaned out the giant snowbank between his and Lizs car, I even cleaned off his WINDSHIELD!  What happened to me?  Oh thats right.. this quest happened to me. This quest to lose weight and get healthy. I figured shoveling was good exercise, so why not keep going? And we did. Enough for 3 cars now! Now if only he parks like a  normal person tomorrow, we will keep the peace. If he parks like a douche? I'm burying the fucker back in tomorrow. No joke.

So Dear Medic Van, you're welcome. You can thank FuckFace for sending me on the mission to lose a 5th grader and trying to learn to like working out. But park like a goon tomorrow, I'll be more than happy to bury you. As for me, I have to go... I just heard another GOD DAMN PLOW!!!!

Day 1

Ok. So here it is... Day 1. And so far.. not so bad! Had a yogurt and some blueberry rice cakes for breakfast and a snack and you know what? They were not so bad! Yay for me!  Lunch however... was a different story.

Forced to go to Finagle a Bagel by my skinnier friends at work...ok, ok.. maybe not FORCED... but maybe just gently nudged to go...I actually looked up my choice lunch BEFORE hand. Go me! And chose a turkey club bagel and side of broccoli cheddar soup (shame shame). First of all, I was impressed we were even allowed into Finagle...as it is in Needham and we had already dropped 2 "shits" a "fuck" and an "oh Jesus' before walking in the door.  Ah, walking in the door... let's go back and reminise...

If you are not from around here, then let me describe Needham. Quaint little suburban town filled with bored housewives and "emo" kids. My personal fave. "Life is sooo tough that I need to wear black eyeliner and skinny jeans and not shower for a week!" It's also a "dry" town...which could be to blame for the above. Imagine.. no alcohol? So sad. Anyway... as we sit down to eat, I glance to my right and notice a young girl...maybe 14 years old and her mother. I probably would not have given them a second look if I didn't notice that their asses were getting  inhaled by their sweatpants! Seriously?  I remember when I was young, sweatpants had elastic bottoms and were baggy...they didn't look like they were painted on. I guess I'll just never understand how people can wear clothes that don't fit!  How is that comfortable? And why should I be subjected to look at the crease of your underpants?! 10 pounds of groceries in a 5 pound sack!  Perhaps we should all just invest in "pajama jeans." The sweats made to look like jeans. Priceless. And the ultimate in lazy.

Well, I should probably go...since I am illegally writing this on a work computer and on work time. And that is a big no-no here.  As for FuckFace...he called 4 times yesterday and I did NOT answer nor did I call him back. (insert back pat here).  I shall leave you all for today, as a 60 year old blond Snooki wannabe just wandered into the waiting room! Ah joy!